Cata-logged: When your mailbox is full

The nation is facing a financial crisis, and last week we saw an unprecedented 777-point drop in the stock market.

I, however, have seen the largest one-day gain in the catalog market. My mailbox was stuffed with stuff. Companies want me. They want me bad. Problem is, most of the stuff they've got is stuff I don't want. Let me show you.

Here is Exhibit A:



Looks nice enough, but...



...where is the Mom ornament? I feel a bit left out.

Halloween is just around the corner:



But the costumes for women? They look like the little inserts I used to get with my Barbies.



Here is a closeup. Peeps, this is the kind of stuff I might wear ... in the bedroom!



What about this catalog?



Catalog marketers, does a suburban South Florida mom need a Plow? Pass.

When I saw this catalog, I thought, How old do they think I am?



But then I realized it's not an age thing -- it's a style thing. For example, you'll never find me wearing a belt like these. I like to keep my waist moose-free, thanks.



Here is an old standby -- maybe one of the original catalogs:



The day someone buys me any of these items (a monogrammed coffee scoop?), though, is the day I realize I have too much stuff and have become that impossible-to-buy-for person:



And anyone who organizes watches and bracelets in a box like this has too much time on their hands:



Here's a holiday catalog:



Nice, but it's kind of out of my latitude. (Note the "just add snow" reference below.)



And I found more moose. I never thought, You know, what my tree really needs is a moose ornament.



Finally, a catalog I thought I could enjoy:



I could just eat up this little banana! Too bad she's it's $69!



The person who dressed these kids in white sweaters is just asking for a cranberry sauce stain.



And this kitchen? It's better than my real one!



...and once again -- yet more moose. Do people really love moose this much? Why are there no Christmas sweaters with alligators, manatees or Florida panthers?!



Last, here is another kiddy catalog.



I can't really make fun of it, though, because I wanted everything in it. For myself! For example, I could forecast hurricanes with this weather station! Look out, Max Mayfield!



And if I had this portable karaoke contraption, I could share my gift of song with everyone, everywhere! Standing in line at the post office or library. Shopping at Publix. At the playground with my son. I'd be a hit!



I guess to sum up: spare me the moose, and bring on the toys!