Things pregnant women shouldn't do

Once a woman finds out she is pregnant, there is a long list of dos and don'ts for her to abide by. It can really be overwhelming. Some things on her list are from her doctor, and others are from people in her everyday life. A pregnant woman should not:

Bend over.
In my experience (16 months of total pregnancy time so far -- or is it 17 months?), few people want to see a pregnant woman bend over. Some people go to great lengths, and with comic speed, to pick up something a pregnant woman has dropped or is trying to reach. This is really sweet and kind, but do you know how many times my son drops or leaves things on the floor that I have to pick up? How I still have to put his shoes on? And my own shoes? To feed the pets, pull the laundry out of the dryer, get the secret snack stash our of the bottom desk drawer lettuce out of the produce drawer in the fridge .... I do plenty of stooping.

Still ... the world is just going to have to suffer seeing my barenaked toenails for at least a couple of months because I can't reach them and am not spending 20 bucks to get a pedicure every other week. Sorry, world.

Carry things.
Many people seem to think pregnant women have broken arms. This is especially true at the supermarket. Heaven forbid that I lift a large container of something into my cart or at the checkout. Do these people ever wonder who takes that vat of ice cream oversize box of laundry soap out of my car once I get home? Hmm? They might faint if they weighed the purse I carry around. I am also not supposed to pick up the Man-cub. So if he needs a hug, or has to be snatched away from playing in the street, he is just out of luck.

Get fresh air and sunshine.
You don't want to catch a cold, I guess. Or the sun is just too much for a pregnant woman to handle. I'm not sure, but a couple weeks ago, someone told me I should get out of the sun. Maybe that was her special way of telling me I'm already crazy enough and didn't need the strong subtropical rays baking my head. Or maybe she was concerned about my fluctuating hormones making me more susceptible to skin damage -- but it's too late, because I already have that special "mask of pregnancy" called chloasma from last time around. Thank you, Mother Nature, for the nice souvenir.

Inflate balloons.
A pregnant woman should save all of her inhaling and exhaling for the baby. The baby needs oxygen; balloons don't. It's more fun to fill them with water and throw them at people, anyway.

Let her child kiss her on the mouth.
Apparently, there's a silent virus carried by small children that can cause your unborn child to have birth defects. That means no sharing food or drinks and lots of hand washing. So I also can't let my toddler kiss me on the mouth. But how can I not?

Be rude to people who comment on her size.
Because a pregnant woman is cute, it would be unseemly to do anything but smile when someone points out her belly for the 36th time in one day. Sure, it's hard to ignore the belly. But most expectant mothers don't need to be reminded that they are, you know, pregnant. They also don't need to be told their face is getting fat, their nose is getting big or their hips are getting wider.

If you really want to be safe, don't make any comments about a pregnant woman's physical appearance at all -- not even something complimentary. Catch her on a bad-hormone day, and your thoughtful "You're glowing!" remark could be met with "Are you trying to say I'm wearing too much makeup?!" If you say, "That maternity top looks so good on you," she might snarl back, "So you think I look good being fat?!"

Enjoy herself or be comfortable.
And of course, a pregnant woman must never drink alcohol, take most OTC medications, eat soft cheeses or sushi or deli meat, drink caffeinated beverages, sleep on her back, sit in a hot tub or sauna, or do anything fun that might cause her to fall like skating or going down water slides.

So when the mother has all these rules hanging over her head while incubating a baby, is it any wonder she has her own list of dos and don'ts for that child?!