The little hoopty that couldn't

Overheard while my husband was reading the Man-cub his current favorite bedtime story....

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Chug, chug, chug. The little train rumbled over the tracks. She was a happy little train because she didn't know any better. Her cars were full of good things for boys and girls who had money. There were cars full of toy engines, airplanes, jack-knives and other things you can't take to school anymore. But that was not all. Some of the cars were filled with all sorts of good things for boys and girls to eat -- bottles of creamy milk for their breakfasts and even spinach even though no one really eats that.

(Curious, I look in on them. My husband's face doesn't even crack a smile. The Man-cub is taking it all in like it's the gospel truth from the book.)

The little train was carrying all these things to the boys and girls on the other side of the mountain because they had been banished there by their parents. All of a sudden, the little train stopped with a jerk. She simply could not go another inch. She tried and tried, but her wheels wouldn't turn because the cheap spinners had fallen off of them. What were all those good little boys and girls going to do?

"Here comes a shiny new engine that looks like he's been simonized," said the funny little clown who jumped out of the train. "Let us ask him to help us." So all the dolls and toys cried out: "Please, Shiny New Engine, won't you please pull our train over the mountain? Our engine is just a hoopty, and the boys and girls whose parents have banished them to the other side of the mountain won't have toys to play with or food to eat unless you help us."

(My husband and the Man-cub maintain a straight face through and through.)

But the Shiny New Engine snorted: "You can talk?! Well, it doesn't matter, because I am a Passenger Engine. I have just carried a fine big train over the mountain, with more cars than you ever dreamed of in your small little minds. My train had a dining-car where waiters bring whatever hungry people with money want to eat because they can order people around like that. I'm not going to pull the likes of you. So, shoo, you riff-raff!"

How sad the little hoopty train and all the dolls and toys felt. Then the little clown called out, "The Passenger Engine is not the only one in the world, just the most uppity. Here is another engine coming, a great big strong one. Let us ask him to help us."

"Please, oh please, Big Engine," cried all the dolls and toys. "Won't you please pull our train over the mountain? You know the story by now."

But the Big Strong Engine bellowed: "I am a Freight Engine. I have just pulled a big train loaded with big machines over the mountain. These machines print books and newspapers for grown-ups to read because grown-ups are boring like that. And so am I. I won't pull the likes of you."

(I am sitting and listening to the bedtime story now.)

The little hoopty train and all the dolls and toys were very sad. "Cheer up," cried the little toy clown. "I'm a clown, so I make you laugh. Don't worry, be happy. The Freight Engine isn't the only one in the world, only the geekiest. Here comes another. He looks old and tired, but not as old and tired as Mom. Perhaps he can help us."

So the little toy clown waved his flag. "Please, Kind Engine," cried all the dolls and toys, "Won't you please pull our train over the mountain? Our hoopty has broken down, and we're tired of sitting here looking at each other."

But the Rusty Old Engine sighed: "I am so tired. I must rest my weary wheels. I cannot even pull your little train over the mountain. I'm going to take an Ambien and maybe a Xanax now and get crunk."

Then indeed the little hoopty was very, very sad, and the dolls and toys were ready to cry even though they had no tear ducts.

But the little clown called out, "Here is another engine coming. Maybe she will help us. The very little engine came chug, chugging merrily along because she didn't know what she was in for. When she saw the toy clown's flag, she stopped quickly because she'd never seen a living toy before.

"What is the matter, amigos?" she asked kindly.

"Oh, Little Blue Engine," cried the dolls and toys. "Will you pull us over the mountain? All we have is this old hoopty, and the children on the other side of the mountain ... you know. Please, please help us, Obi-Wan. You're our only hope."

"I ain't no holla back girl," said the Little Blue Engine. "Tell your hoopty to stop being lazy."

"But we must get over the mountain before the children awake," said the dolls and toys.

The very little engine looked up and saw the tears in the dolls' eyes. Then she said, "I think I can. I think I can. I think I can." She tugged and pulled and pulled and tugged and started off even though she was just an Al Gore-approved hybrid. All the dolls and toys started to cheer because they're nerdy like that.

Puff, puff, chug, chug, went the Little Blue Engine. "I think I can -- I think I can -- I think I can!"

"Hurray, hurray," cried the weird little clown and all the dolls and toys who were on their way to a certain fatal outcome.

And the Little Blue Engine smiled because she knew she was better than the hoopty and said, "I thought I could, I thought I could, I thought I could, na na na na na na!"

And then my son asked for "the clown train book" again....